Tuesday, January 26, 2010

It's Been A While

Holy shit it's been a while since I've posted. In fact, this is my first post in over a month. How about that? I guess I took my own version of the winter break.

Let's take a look at the respective domestic races in each of the Big 3 leagues, with a special note at the bottom regarding the Lesser 2.

England: Chelsea, Manchester United, and Arsenal.

Chelsea have a firm grip on first place, and that's to be expected. What we didn't expect was that they'd do it without Didier Drogba or Michael Essien. If I was the rest of the league, I'd be fucking terrified about what would happen when those guys get back from AFCON. They're sitting pretty right now.

The interesting thing about Chelsea is that all of their players are in the same age range: 28-31. (Terry 28, J. Cole 28, Carvalho 31, Drogba 31, Anelka 30, Lampard 31, Ballack 33, Malouda 29, A. Cole 29, Deco 32). They're all in their prime. But unfortunately, in 2 or 3 years they'll all be over the hill, and we'll see a serious rebuilding process. Mr. Abramovich, open that checkbook because you'll need to use it. Daniel Sturridge and Bosingwa notwithstanding, this club will look like AC Milan in about 4 years. A sad prospect.

Manchester United might not even finish in second place this year. They have all the ingredients- solid defense, a deep squad, decent attack, and a strong midfield. But what they're missing is that element that makes a good team great: creativity. Their creativity comes from pretty much one place, and that place is Wayne Rooney. But wait, you say, there are other creative forces on that squad. That's a good point, there are, but they're all in the same spot, and that spot is up top or on the wings. Unless Ryan Giggs turns 27 tomorrow, we aren't going to see much of a change. Rooney, Berbatov, Giggs. That's all the creativity Manchester United have. Without anyone pulling the strings from the trquartista position, there won't be any celebrations in the Red half of Manchester.

Arsenal are the complete other end of the spectrum. Not solid defense, a shallow squad, very strong attack, weaksauce midfield, and nothing but creative players. That system is great for scoring goals and entertaining, but sometimes you have to grind out a win. Where's the clinical finisher? Where's the hard-as-nails defensive midfielder? Where's the utility man who can play anywhere in defense or midfield? And please, someone get this club a new keeper ASAP. Arsenal can expect to finish in second place this season if Fabregas stays fit. Without him, they're fucked.

La Liga: 2 Horse Race

Barcelona have it locked up, but they aren't the dominant force they once were. One of the reasons for this is the makeup of the squad- it's changed quite a bit. Eto'o out, Ibra in. What an impact he's made, and he's loving every minute of it. That's not the issue, however. The issue is Thierry Henry, who since his handball incident hasn't been the same player. Good thing Pedro is waiting in the wings, literally and figuratively. The youngster has a bright future.

Real Madrid, like ManU before them, have fallen too deeply in love with Cristiano Ronaldo. When he isn't on the pitch and they're facing quality opposition, they flounder. Even when they should cruise to victory courtesy of Kaka and Benzema, they don't. Overreliance on Ronaldo is foolish- we'll see how they do in their next 2 games.

Serie A: Done and dusted

Inter have it locked up. Jose Mourinho better dip into the transfer market one last time, however, because his side are lacking creativity aside from Sneijder. I'd love to see him bring in a competent trequartista, which is not Sneijder's natural role. We'll see what happens.

AC Milan were playing great for a while, but now is where the cracks shine through. This aging squad relies far too heavily on Nesta and Ronaldinho, and that's a problem as they have a combined age of 62. Something's got to give, and it'll need a boatload of cash to do it.

Juventus... what can I say. You fuckers fired Ranieri without having a suitable replacement lined up. Is Ferrara like Guardiola? Absolutely not, and expecting him to be was retarded. Buy a real coach (PLEASE NOT RAFA) and mold your team from there. Whatever it takes to get Hiddink, DO IT. PLEASE.

Finally, the little 2: Bundeslia race will be locked up soon, as Bayern exert their death grip on the current leaders. Arjen Robben, and not Franck Ribery, was the catalyst for this one.

Bordeaux has Ligue 1 sewn up. Sorry Lyon, but the Gourcuff/Chamakh juggernaut can't be stopped- this season.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Luca Toni

Is it really any wonder that Bayern don't want Luca Toni? This is a guy who has about 15 goals in over 50 appearances for Italy. He had one good season with Bayern and thinks he can stay there for the rest of his life, demanding playing time when there are far superior players in front of him. Chief among these players are Mario Gomez and Ivica Olic, who vastly outclass the giant Italian.

Anyone who has seen Luca Toni play know that he is a poacher and a big target man, and that is literally it. No linkup play, no shooting boots, no crossing ability, and absolutely no speed or agility. And now that he's losing his poaching ability, there is no doubt that nobody would want him for anything. Or would they? Apparently West Ham and Tottenham are both in the market for him. My question is: why? Why bring an aging piece of shit to the Premier League? Players in the Premier League, with the exception of Ryan Giggs, do not age well. Toni should return to Italy, where a team like Parma or Livorno could actually benefit from his services. Better yet, he should come to MLS where his movie-star looks could net him a sponsorship deal while people ignore his actual non-achievments on the pitch. The best thing for everyone? Retirement. Get this fucker off the world stage. Lippi shouldn't even consider him while Amauri is a possibility, Iaquinta is available, and Gilardino makes his case. Fuck Luca Toni, that noob is awful.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

B is for Birmingham and Burnley

Dear Santa,

Me and my Birmingham boys are playing pretty well at the moment, but we do need a couple of things to help us out. Like any small team, we are definitely a shallow squad. Without our key players, the team tends to collapse and leaves us wanting. Still, we are exceeding expectations right now and our form is pretty damn impressive. We're up there with Liverpool, for crying out loud. Anyway Santa, what we want is difficult: more of the same. We want our sparkling form to continue and that includes offense as well. We aren't scoring loads of goals, but we are keeping clean sheets like it's our job. I guess besides more of the same, we need a clinical striker. Someone who just plain puts goals in the net, but is within our price range. We may have to splash the cash, but I think I have the answer: John Carew is out of favor at Aston Villa and the rumor is that they're trying to get rid of him. I'd love it if we could snap him up for a cool 5 million. Your move, Santa.

Love,

Alex McLeish



Dear Santa,

We at Burnley are also doing much better than expected. Our form at home has seen us take some massive scalps. However, we have yet to win a game away from home. So that's what we want: an away win for the new year, and consistency on through. If you can give us that, we won't be relegated. We can then buy someone with the additional funds we plan to have, but Santa, I promise, we won't go into debt doing it. See? I'm a good little boy.

Love,

Owen Coyle

Thursday, December 17, 2009

A is for Arsenal

Dear Santa:

Mommy and Daddy keep telling me they'll give me the money to buy any toys I want, but I like them better when I can make my own from scratch. It's more satisfying to play with them that way, and they're much cheaper. The only problem is, sometimes I can't make ANY toy I want because I've got to use the materials available to me.

There comes a time when a bright new toy is required to complete my collection, and allow my whole toy chest to function as a cohesive unit. The current bunch I have look great and work together nicely, but when one gets broken I don't have a good replacement. With that in mind, I need two solid toys this Christmas: a holding midfielder and versatile replacement player, and a lovely new goalscoring machine/striker. Both should be tall, strong, and preferably French.

For the striker I want Mario Balotelli. There isn't really anyone better at the moment, and since he's young I can mold him into the type of player that I want. Unfortunately, he's Cup-tied and a bit temperamental. Hopefully I can stamp that out of him. Other options include Carlton Cole and Andre-Pierre Gignac.

For a holding, versatile midfielder I'd love Yaya Toure. He's a monster and he can play anywhere; he's very Patrick Vieira-esque. If I can't get Yaya Toure, then I'd love to get my hands on either Alou Diarra or Moussa Sissokho, both from Ligue 1. They break up play fantastically, and are also versatile and strong. Please Santa, my toys won't be able to handle another season with no silverware!

I've been a good boy. I've balanced the books, I've acted with integrity, and I play sexy football. So what if I whine a little bit now and again? I think I've proved that I deserve a trophy, but I can't win one if you don't bring me something fun to play with!

Love,

Arsene Wenger

P.S. Please please PLEASE don't let Fabregas go to Barcelona! He's my bestest player.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Beaten to the Punch

Goal.com ganked my idea, but I'm going to do it anyway: as part of getting in the holiday spirit, I'm going down each club's wishlist. If they're good, Santa may bring them a nice shiny new striker or holding midfielder. If they're bad, Santa may bring them two American investors who have no idea how to do anything except lie about building a new stadium.

Coming soon.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Robin van Persie's New Friend?

If reports are to be believed, Arsenal are on the lookout for a new striker come January. I'll be updating this, and possibly another article, tomorrow with more information/opiniu-tainment. So if you're reading this and thinking "my God I simply cannot wait for Evan's brilliant views on football," don't worry about getting blue balls. It's coming soon. In the meantime, put an ice pack on your crotch.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

What Did I Tell You?

Quick post: I may have mentioned that Didier Drogba is unstoppable. As of today there should be no doubt in anyone's mind that he is the world's best striker, and that is pretty impressive at 31 years old. Pace, strength, positioning, link-up play, shooting, crossing, vision, set pieces, and heading. He's got it all. His double against Everton was fantastic especially when you consider that both of his goals were one touch shots. One was on the spin with his left foot, the other was a volley to the near post off a cross. If he stays healthy he could easily win the Ballon D'or, especially if he doesn't dive (his only weakness). Then again, all the best players do, don't they? Just ask Ronaldo from last weekend, or Rooney from today.