Sorry

Haven't been writing recently, sorry. Things have been extremely busy. Just a quick note: Didier Drogba is all I said he was and more. Singlehandedly destroyed Arsenal.

Also, the difference between Barcelona and Real Madrid: Barcelona adhere to a philosophy beyond all else; Madrid need certain players instead of a system. Messi can be replaced with Iniesta or Bojan or Pedro because they all fit into the system. Ronaldo cannot be replaced. What this means is teamwork over individualism, and Barcelona's style favors an 11 man team over 11 people playing together. It showed on Sunday. Get the picture?

Very Wrong

Bye bye Liverpool. I was wrong on your pick, although I nailed the win.

Great work Barcelona, although I think this time around Chelsea will have your number. Inter ain't going NOWHERE. No Messi, no Ibra, no problem?

Stuttgart did as expected. Rangers blow.

Olimpiacos and Alkmaar- snoozer, as was Dinamo and Rubin.

Great work by Fiorentina, and I was watching the match. There was no quarter given by Lyon, they were simply outclassed. The Viola may be going places.

Arsenal without key players these days. Chelsea will come a-knockin' this weekend. They still had enough to win over Standard easily at home though. Nice goals to boot.

Sevilla didn't get its shit together, in the upset pick of the day. Guess what though, nobody cares and it changes nothing.

The BIG Matchday 5

We could see two of Europe's biggest heavy-hitters knocked out this matchday. Of course, I'm talking about Barcelona and Liverpool. They lose, they go home. Hell, even if they win they still might end up going home, or at least to the Europa League. Without further ado, my picks:

Debreceni vs. Liverpool

Liverpool travel to Hungary, where defensive solidarity doesn't mean shit when an angry Steven Gerrard is bearing down on you. He'll get TWO goals and an assist to someone crazy. Hopefully won't re-injure himself. Liverpool 3-1 Debreceni

Fiorentina vs. Lyon

Two very potent attacks against two very well organized defense systems mean the difference will be in the midfield, particularly on the wings. Lyon has Govou and Cissokho running the flanks, while Vargas and Marchionni chip in the Fiorentina. Even their keepers, both French, are evenly matched (the edge goes to Frey though.) So, fuck it, evenly matched it is; Lyon don't need a win and Fiorentina are at home but slightly outclassed. Fiorentina 2-2 Lyon

Rubin Kazan vs. Dynamo Kyiv

BORING. Shevchenko scores and Kazan pull a late one. Rubin Kazan 1-1 Dynamo Kyiv

Barcelona vs. Inter

It's at the Nou Camp, but no Messi and a doubtful Ibra. Henry is back though. What does this mean? Slightly less magic down the flank as Iniesta replaces him, and we all know he's the able deputy. Keita and Busquets add some steel for Xavi to hide behind, and he'll need it with Cambiasso running around. All out attack meets Mourinho's park-the-bus strategy, and since it's at Barca I'm giving them the edge. A huge edge actually, because once the floodgates open they don't stop. Barcelona 3-1 Inter

Rangers vs. Stuttgart

Nobody cares about these teams at all. Stuttgart demolishes a shabby Rangers side. Stuttgart 3-0 Rangers

Unirea Urziceni vs. Sevilla

Sevilla have what it takes to MURDER these noobs, and they'll do just that, though not so emphatically. Give it only a few goals with a great performance from Adriano and Negredo. Unirea 0-2 Sevilla

Alkmaar vs Olimpiacos

Both teams need a win, and right now I call this as the upset pick. A tightly contested match gives the Dutch squad the 1-0 win. Congrats Koeman. Alkmaar 1-0 Olimpiacos

Arsenal vs. Standard Liege

Arsenal welcome Liege to the Emirates, and the memory of their last meeting will surely be fresh in their minds. Get ready to get shit on. Eduardo gets a nasty looking hat-trick, with 2 set up by Cesc. Arsenal 4-0 Standard Liege.

There's my picks for the first part, I'll be around tomorrow with the second part.

Mostly Right With a Chance of WTF

So I was mostly right this weekend, with a couple minor surprises and one HUGE surprise.

Liverpool ALMOST pulled out the result I was looking for. 2-2 with City wasn't quite the result THEY were looking for though. My call on Bellamy was in though.

Chelsea of course demolished Wolverhampton 4-0, close to my 3-0 pick.

Although I flirted with the idea of Arsenal's upset with Sunderland, I didn't call it. Should have though, shouldn't I? Dead wrong in any case, though it's nice to see Bent back on the scoreline.

Birmingham did pull out that surprise win against Fulham. Tsk tsk Cottagers, should have done better.

West Ham 3-3 Hull City was the 6 goal thriller that nobody saw coming. And since it's in the BPL basement, nobody cares too much. My bad on the pick. Someone please fund WHU.

Nice work from me on the Villa-Burnley draw call. Almost turned into a surprise loss actually.

ManU spanked Everton, and Fletcher's goal was fabulous. I underestimated their attack. Good shutout work though.

Fuck me in the asshole on Bolton vs. Blackburn. Nice work from Big Sam's boys.

Stoke City 1-0 Portsmouth. Nailed it, what can I say?

And finally, the retard that is me fucked up royally on TOTTENHAM 9-1 WIGAN

What the fuck though, in my defense nobody could have predicted the scoreline. Wish Defoe was on my fantasy team right about now...

So all in all I did pretty well. Certainly better than that Nick Webster noob on FSC's website. What a tard.

And no, Shane Evans, I don't pick the juciest matches to predict. I call 'em all, and call 'em well. Pussy.

The Weekend After The Break

Time for some picks. I haven't posted in a little while because I was enjoying the international break like so many non-Irish people. That said, this might have been the BEST international break in recent history. In fact, I can't think of too much that went wrong, France's dubious goal aside. Torres and Co. needed time to recover, as did many other top clubs. There's a grueling schedule coming up as we head into winter, with the Champions League and some clutch fixtures. So, onto the picks:

Liverpool hosts Manchester City

The game of the week has everybody talking about who's going to halt their downward spiral first. My money's on Liverpool, because they're playing at Anfield and Stevie G is back in town. No Torres? No problem, when Glen Johnson and Jamie Carragher return to the squad, it means that defensive solidarity and some nice runs down the wing will give the flop-tastic David N'Gog something to work with. Don't think he'll score though, but expect an interesting performance from Craig Bellamy for the Citizens. Oh, and just for the hell of it, Lucas gets a goal. Liverpool 2-1 City.

Chelsea welcomes Wolverhampton

I'll be quick and to the point, just like Chelsea will be. Drogba out, Anelka scores 2, Lampard chips in with one. Chelsea 3-0 Wolves.

Arsenal travel light, go to Sunderland

Hmmm. The upset pick this week? The way Sunderland have been playing you COULD say yes, but Darren Bent has not been on form lately. He hasn't scored in 3 or so matches. I'm hoping he breaks his duck, especially here and since Arsenal is defensively fragile. Don't think he will though, as the on form Gallas shuts him down time and time again. You know who will get a goal after a lengthy drought? Vermaelen and Eduardo. Arsenal 2-0 Sunderland.

Fulham are off to Birmingham

On paper it looks boring, but this match will be one of the most exciting you'll see as it's back and forth, back and forth. A late winner from Cristian Benitez might put Birmingham ahead at the death. Birmingham 2-1 Fulham.

Hull City host West Ham

A fixture between the cellar dwellers, and one that nobody will care about. Both defenses are too shoddy to break, both attacks too shitty to make an impact, so I'll go with the big difference maker: Carlton Cole. West Ham 1-0 Hull City.

Aston Villa travel to Burnley

Burnley have an absolutely sensational run going at home, where they are unbeaten in some number that I don't remember. Aston Villa are there to make sure it doesn't continue past this weekend. My bet is that it will- expect goals from Agbonlahor and Milner, but Burnley fight back with true underdog style. Aston Villa 2-2 Burnley.

Manchester United vs. Everton

The Toffees have been playing terribly lately, and although a win would boost their spirits immensely, it's just not on the cards. Welcome home Wayne Rooney though, because he'll have an extra bite playing against Everton. Either a goal or an assist from the young Englishman. ManU 1-0 Everton.

Bolton hosts Blackburn

Snore. Nobody cares. Nice headed goal from Kevin Davies and then another 80 or so minutes of boring football. Bolton 2-0 Blackburn.

Tottenham host a tough Wigan side

Tottenham suffers a surprise loss at the hands of Wigan's master of disaster this season, Huga Rodallega. A goal and an assist from him cancel's out Robbie Keane's furious opener. Wigan 2-1 Tottenham.

Stoke vs. Portsmouth

Portsmouth blows, yet somehow they play attractive footy? Doesn't matter at Stoke City, where the tough-as-nails organization of Tony Pulis' side will put them in the ground. They specialize in grinding out results. Stoke 1-0 Portsmouth.

There you have it, a pretty ordinary weekend with an upset or two for the BPL faithful. Enjoy the games, I know I will. And we have Champions League matches to look forward to as well.

When the Sun Isn't Shining...

Oh Arsene. How you delude us year after year with your champagne football, when the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the goals are flowing, the play is smooth and the injuries- well they aren't in full swing yet. And how you punish us for believing in you, year after year, when your paper thin squad suffers only 3 or 4 injuries and you draw a few games, and suddenly you've slid down the table.

Well folks, it's that time of the year again. Van Persie? Out for 6 weeks at best. Bendtner is recovering. Walcott recovering. Vela untested. Rosicky with a minor injury. Nasri slowly regaining match fitness. All you need is Fabregas to drop and you are out of the title race.

THIS is why you needed to invest in a utility player over the summer. A player who would be happy to sit on the bench, waiting for a moment like now, when half your squad is injured. A player who does the job that John O'Shea does for Manchester United, or that Belletti does for Chelsea. That player better arrive in the winter, although we all know he won't. So thanks for the ride, Arsene. It's been fun. But I think we're looking for something a little more long term, and although you score goals like it's your job, I just want a committed relationship. I'm sticking with Chelsea... it's not you, it's me.

A Letter...

The following is a rebuttal I was forced to write. I chose to write to one of the noobs over at Goal.com because even though they sometimes know what they're talking about, when they get it wrong they get it really wrong. Some of them are just plain 'tards.

The original article is here: https://www.goal.com/en-us/news/88/spain/2009/10/29/1591279/spanish-inquisition-why-manuel-pellegrini-should-be-retained

Basically it's some nub named Cyrus explaining to the world that Pellegrini is a tactical genius and is somehow not to blame for Madrid's recent failings, and that Guti is. Whatever. Consider yourself rebutted:

Dear Cyrus C. Malek:

While I strongly respect your opinion both as a sports journalist and as a fan of the beautiful game, I think your article entitled “Why Manuel Pellegrini Should Be Retained” is off the mark. Although Mr. Pellegrini did an admiral job of managing Villareal for the past 4 seasons, he does not have the credentials to take the helm at a team as storied and talented as Real Madrid, particularly when you consider the scope of the egos of the “New Galacticos.”

First of all, I do agree with you on several points. Manuel Pellegrini is an extremely tactically shrewd coach, and he is fundamentally sound when it comes to communication with his players. You are also correct that the self-esteem levels of several Madridistas are unnaturally high. However, a lot of tactically brilliant coaches find themselves lacking when it comes to man-management of these sorts of players.

The wealth of talent currently at Pellegrini’s disposal comes with a hefty price tag: that of the ego. Mr. Malek, you blame Guti’s petulant antics for much of the tension in the locker room and the lack of effort on the pitch. Is there perhaps a better reason why Guti would act this way? The simple answer is that he can get away with it. The more complicated answer has to do with Pellegrini’s man-management skills.

A great manager must understand how players think. Furthermore, he must be able to keep control over superstar players that think they, as individuals, are more important than the team. Florentino Perez erred when choosing Pellegrini for this role because he doesn’t have the experience with these kinds of players. Who is the most famous player for Villareal? It’s probably a three-way tie between Capdevilla, Rossi, and Robert Pires. How many people outside of Spain know who these players are? Not many. As a result, they don’t have the swelled head that someone like, say, Karim Benzema has.

Pellegrini should be sacked immediately because Real Madrid are floundering on all fronts. Losing to a team like Sevilla is one thing. Drawing with Sporting Gijon 0-0 is another. According to ESPN, Real Madrid had 67% possession and couldn’t capitalize. That’s unacceptable for a team with this much striking power.

When a player like Guti becomes more powerful than the coach, the boardroom knows it has a problem. Real Madrid’s problems are more than just Guti, however. An overreliance on Cristiano Ronaldo and Iker Casillas, the poor form of Benzema and Xabi Alonso, the lack of defensive solidarity in the back, and the complete mental meltdown after conceding means that there is a lot of work to be done, and it needs to be done by someone else.

Mr. Malek, you advocate Real Madrid taking a page out of Barcelona’s book. The only problem is, Barcelona wrote that book when they knew the story already, so they acquired it page by page. You expect Real Madrid to write the same book having bought similar pages at a yard sale and stapling them together. On paper it looks like a good idea, but when experienced in reality it doesn’t make sense. Real Madrid’s players are not tailor made for the asphyxiating style of Pep Guardiola’s Barcelona. The quick passing game should be there, but so too should the organization. This brings me to the real problem.

When players don’t defend properly, you blame them for being lazy. But is it really the player who is lazy? These are highly trained athletes that have had to adapt to different tactical systems in their careers, and they know what it takes to secure first-team football. The issue is organization. I can tell you from personal experience that when I saw Chelsea play AC Milan this summer, the Blues also had some marauding wingbacks. Unlike Pellegrini’s Real Madrid, however, Carlo Ancelotti’s Chelsea had John Obi Mikel, who was playing the same role as Lassana Diarra, covering back for either Ashley Cole or Jose Bosingwa. In the same vein, Arbeloa, Drenthe, Marcelo, and Sergio Ramos are far more talented going forward than they are at defending. Lassana Diarra and even Xabi Alonso and Esteban Granero need to cover the gaping holes on the sides of the defense. If those holes are even the slightest bit exposed, teams with strong wing players (Barcelona, Sevilla, Valencia) will make Real Madrid’s center backs pay dearly. According to soccernet, Real Madrid has conceded twice as many goals in the first half of their games (4) as they have in the second half of all their games (2). That mentality comes from the coach. They also have scored 15 goals in the second half of games compared with the first half (8). This responsibility also falls with the coach: great teams must play the full 90 minutes of a football match.

A more defensively organized mindest is required. But now, after firing Pellegrini, who should be hired? My recommendation is someone who understands defense, someone who is also tactically sound, and has had success at the highest level, dealing with egos like Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Douglas Maicon. Roberto Mancini, the now-unemployed former coach of Inter Milan, is completely available. He understands how defensive tactics are supposed to work from his experience in Italy. And if he can deal with “Ibracadabra,” he can deal with the likes of Ronaldo and company.

Pellegrini is not a bad coach, but he is definitely in way over his head. He needs to go immediately, or else he’ll dig Madrid into a deeper hole. And trust me, when El Clasico rolls around, Florentino Perez will be glad he found a coach who encourages more organization. With Ronaldo, Kaka, and Benzema up front, scoring goals won’t be the problem. Shutting down Madrid’s Catalan rivals from the back, however, is something that only an expert can deliver. An expert like Roberto Mancini.

R.I.P.

Robert Enke died today at the age of 32. He allegedly committed suicide. The stories that were going around (and were probably true) were that he was depressed ever since the death of his two year old daughter. I guess it just goes to show that nobody knows what goes on in the head of professional athletes.

Enke was in the twilight of his career, although we all know that goalkeepers have a greater shelf life than most. He was the number one choice at Hannover 96 and he was about to become the number one choice for the German national team. Germany has plenty of top-notch keepers, and Hannover has at least two replacements, but the footballing world has lost an emerging talent. More importantly, his wife and children have lost a husband and a father. I hope all other footballers out there can appreciate what they've got and realize that theirs is the greatest job in the world. Remember Robert Enke.

All The Focus

Liverpool is dominating headlines these days because of their inherent shittiness, and we should give them their due: they deserve to suck and grab the attention. They can't afford to fire Rafa, Gerrard and Torres are the only good players on the squad, and they are leaking goals like its their business. So this season should be the rebuilding season for them. The season where they clear out all the old blood and bring in some new talent. Aquilani was a good start although he can't really play the same role as Xabi Alonso, but let's see some new stuff. To what am I referring? I'm talking about three roles in the center of the pitch: Torres needs a partner, Gerrard needs a deputy, and Carragher needs a replacement with more vowels in his name.

Real Madrid is offloading players like mad, and that includes some of their surplus strikers. May I suggest a RVN return to the Premier League in the Michael Owen capacity? That would definitely set things right up top and give Rafa at least one more option that isn't named Babel or N'Gog.

In the land of centre-backs, Carragher once was king. Now he's turning into quite the peasant. I'm not saying he needs to go, but Kyrgiakos isn't the man for his job. Might I suggest another veteran that recently became out of work? He's quite talented and he'll serve as a fantastic option, as well as coming on the cheap. Nicola Legrottalie has fallen out of favor with the Juventus management, and I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to leave. Snap him up Rafa, or you'll be hurting in the back.

Gerrard's replacement? He might cost a chunk of cash, but get him now before he shows his stuff at the World Cup and his price inflates a la Arshavin. Marek Hamsik is begging to be pried away from Napoli, and he's young so you can build a team around him. Get crackin, Rafa, before you're fired.

The team that hasn't been grabbing headlines at all? Manchester United. Make no mistake, however, because they are certainly out of their league. They won't win anything this year, and the dominance they've enjoyed for the past 4 years will fade away. Sorry boys, but we could be seeing a mass exodus of players from your ranks. SAF needs to discover that next big star so he can prime him up and sell him to Real Madrid. Oh yeah, and after next year I think it's time to let the Da Silva twins loose on the rest of the league. It'll be a nice way to shore up some defensive weaknesses.

Speaking of defensive weaknesses, Arsenal needs to tighten it up. Vermaelen may have been a key signing, but he's still only one guy. That world-class holding midfielder needs to arrive, and soon. Arsenal needs to buy him in the winter window. The ironic thing is that they're playing so well they think they won't need to, and as a result they'll play shittier later. Oh yeah, and please loan out Alex Song to somewhere like the Bundesliga.

Chelsea are flying high, but that's temporary as well. SPLASH THE CASH or prepare to be crippled when the African Cup of Nations rolls around. Losing Obi, Essien, Kalou, Drogba all for the same period of time, with likely injuries afterward? That's two players in two essential positions. REINFORCE THOSE POSITIONS IMMEDIATELY! Especially strikers. You know who wants to leave his club? Dani Guiza. Grab him on the cheap and give him regular time. He'll fit in with the Portuguese contingent, and success is soon to follow, or at the very least provide a solid stopgap. Get on it Carlo.

When I'm Right, I'm Kinda Right

I mean, I wasn't 100% right. But I am a pretty damn good predictor of scores this week. Check it out:

Chelsea 1-0 Manchester United

John Terry scores off a- well it wasn't quite a corner, but I was right that he would get a goal. Captain for a reason, ok people? They won by the proper amount but not the proper score.

Tottenham 2-0 Sunderland

Bent DIDN'T get on the scoresheet which made me very not happy but Crouch certainly did wonders in the air for Spurs, assisting Keane's goal. And yes, they also won by the amount I predicted. Scoreline wasn't perfect though.

Arsenal 4-1 Wolves

Did anyone expect anything other than a fucking shitshow blowout? Poor Wolves, they couldn't hang with the big boys. Too bad. Nice work from Fab and Arshavin for the goals, although the rest of them didn't score. Too many own goals for one game I'd say.

AC Milan 2-1 Lazio

Pato off a Ronaldinho assist, what can I say? And they were never going to keep a clean sheet off of Zarate.

Inter 1-1 Roma

Lazy match from Inter, who couldn't kill it off. Roma had no business getting a point from this game.

Real Madrid 3-2 Atletico Madrid

Was there ever any doubt about who would win? I did call the goalscorers except for Raul and Kun, and I should have anticipated Simao sucking a giant cock. He's off my fantasy team I'll tell you that much.

Juventus 5-2 Atalanta

Who DIDN'T score in this match? I called Diego scoring but really this one was never in doubt.

Fiorentina 1-0 Udinese

Not the goalfest many were expecting, but my boy Vargas didn't let me down. Too bad he was on my fantasy bench.

Liverpool vs. Birmingham

REMAINS TO BE SEEN, BUT DON'T BE SURPRISED IF TORRES SCORES AND BIRMINGHAM SCRAPE A DRAW. UPDATES LATER

UPDATE: BIRMINGHAM SCRAPED THAT DRAW ALRIGHT, BUT LIVERPOOL NEEDED A DIVE TO ATTAIN IT. N'GOG CAN SUCK MY N'COCK

Some Quick Picks

Some interesting games this weekend. My picks, in varying levels of detail:

Chelsea 2-1 Manchester United. Drogba and John Terry score, one of them off a corner. Guess which one.

Tottenham 3-1 Sunderland. Darren Bent gets on the scoresheet so he's happy. Crouch does wonders in the air for the Spurs.

Arsenal 5-0 Wolves. What a pick, and why not? The way they're playing, I call goals from: RVP, Fab, Diaby, Arshavin, and Vermaelan. You know, the usual suspects.

AC Milan 1-1 Lazio. A boring match, but nice work Pato off a Ronaldinho assist.

Inter 3-0 Roma. We'll see an ejection here, and I'm guess either Mexes or Eto'o. Oh and expect a goal AND an assist from Milito.

Real Madrid 4-1 Atletico Madrid. Raul, Higuain, Marcelo, and Kaka from the spot makes Simao's early goal seem worthless. Exciting stuff.

Liverpool 0-0 Birmingham. Wishful thinking here, but maybe RAFA WILL GET THE SACK FINALLY? Ryan Babel will be his usual useless self, but could Kuyt finally score again? Nope.

Juventus 2-1 Atalanta. Diego gets his shit together and Trez poaches the game away.

Fiorentina 4-3 Udinese. Now that Di Natale's form has cooled down some, the Viola defense will soak up the pressure. I see a goal from Gila and Jovetic coming up in the match of the week. And Vargas, why not.

A Modest Proposal

I can tell you what every football fan hates: the 0-0 draw. It is closely followed by the 1-0 "park-the-bus" win. And in something as important as the Champions League, it's pretty much an enormous letdown. After all, attacking football is the exciting football. Don't we want to see Barcelona do their stuff? Isn't it great watching Arsenal rip other teams to pieces?

So here's the deal: minnows in the CL and domestic leagues tend to put 10 men behind the ball, and while that may be tactically sound it is REALLY FUCKING BORING. The fundamental problem is that there is absolutely no incentive for them to do otherwise- until this brainwave that I just had came along.

Pay teams by the goal. That's right, pay teams every time they score a goal. Reduce their sponsorship monies, but then add a bonus every time they score. And give a bonus to the winners, obviously. Here's what would happen:

The minnows, teams like Rubin Kazan and APOEL, are so glad to be in the Champions League that they don't want to win, they just want to get draws and parachute into the Europa League. And that's fine, good for them. But we want to see something interesting when we watch the Champions League, and since they're going to lose anyway, why not make a case about it?

Then, the big clubs like Barca, Chelsea, whatever, they can score goals at will. But since they have a much greater chance to win the CL, they can park the bus after they score because they don't need the money quite as much. The amount of cash distributed should be enough to encourage the little guys to go all out, but not so much that the quarterfinals and knockout rounds become an all out brawl. There needs to be some preservation of tactics.

That's my idea. Platini, it's your move.

CL-imination

We now have quite a few teams that have qualified with that magic number of points, 10. But the real question is, were my picks correct?

Bayern 0-2 Bordeaux

A boring match, to be sure but I had expected Bayern to put at least one goal in there. Well done Bordeaux, and thanks for the fantasy points Gourcuff ;)

Juventus 1-0 Maccabi Haifa

Dammit, Juventus it needs to be better than this. Truth be told they're lucky to escape with the win, particularly since without Buffon this could have turned ugly. What a miracle worker. I picked the win, but someone has to kickstart this offense NOW.

Manchester United 3-3 CSKA Moscow

The early suprise goal from the Russians? Check. Late drama? Check. Favorable call from the official? ...Not so much. Still, United have now qualified. Onward and upward.

Wolfsburg 3-0 Besiktas

The wolves were howling when the Turks got pounded into the ground. I called the goalfest and the Wolfie win, but the scoreline was a bit off. It was also not as violent as I'd earlier thought. And of course Obafemi Martins did nothing. Note to Besiktas: buy a quality striker.

AC Milan 1-1 Real Madrid

Holy crap, Madrid need to get their shit together. They should be eating the old-timers of Milan for breakfast. Nesta played, but Milan didn't eke that 1-0 victory that I'd anticipated. Still, I was close, so I've got to give myself credit. Ah, there I go. Thanks me.

Marseille 6-1 Zurich

What a blowout. Surprisingly, if you look at my picks I was somewhat right. Zurich did keep it interesting for a decent amount of time, but Marseille starting bombing them in later on in the game. Holy shit. Enjoy the Europa League guys.

Porto 1-0 APOEL

Damn, I knew that this would happen. Porto scored late but a boring draw WAS on the cards for a little bit. Porto have now qualified with 9 points. Nicely done boys. Too bad Hulk couldn't score though.

Chelsea 2-2 Atletico Madrid

Who saw this coming? I was quite literally wrong about everything possible. Drogba played the whole game with good reason, there was no penalty given, and Aguero came out of nowhere to score a brace. I guess I'll just go fuck myself.

WEDNESDAY

Fiorentina 5-2 Debrecen

A poached goal from Gilardino and then 4 MORE FROM THE REST OF THE TEAM went beyond my predictions. Fiorentina have what it takes to go further than any other Italian squad. Debrecen? Doesn't even deserve the Europa League.

Liverpool 1-1 Lyon

Congrats to Torres for playing through the pain barrier, but I was only right about the flurry of late goals. It wasn't quite the match of the year either, as play was constantly broken up by stupid fouls. Liverpool need a miracle now, and a favor from Lyon. Doubtful but possible.

Barcelona 0-0 Rubin Kazan

Boring. Cold. Ibrahimovic missed a sitter. Messi shut down. Iniesta brilliant but couldn't finish as usual. Nice to see Henry back. Done talking in incomplete sentences. PLEASE QUALIFY BARCA!

Inter 2-1 Kiev

NAILED IT! One assist from Milito? Check. 2-1 Inter? Check. Freezing their nuts off? Check. REWARD PLEASE!

Rangers 1-1 Unirea

Nobody cares about this match except that the goals were quite nice from both ends. Neither of these clubs are going anywhere. I was close, except I forgot that Unirea blows.

Sevilla 1-1 Stuttgart

Navas scored, but no brace. Sevilla should have shut the game down but they didn't. Now they've qualified, so they don't care.

Arsenal 4-1 Alkmaar

Nice work from the Gunners, and I wasn't off by too much. We'll see if Wenger does moan about the ref. Nothing too crazy here.

UPSET PICK

Standard 2-0 Olimpiacos

Nice work boys, but the only one going anywhere in this group is Arsenal. Could they go all the way? They have to beat Standard soundly first.

The Big Matchday 4, Part Dos

Wednesday's picks:

Fiorentina vs. Debrecen

The Italian underdogs are getting their groove on, and Debrecen are quite the whipping boys of the group. Nothing fancy here, a Gilardino poached goal should suffice, with maybe a late one from the unpredictable Vargas. 2-0 Fiorentina.

Liverpool travel to Lyon

Holy shit this might be the match of the century. Why is it that Liverpool only play well when their back is against the wall? Benitez has taken away his players' confidence this time around though, and it really blows because they have never needed to win a match so badly before. Does Fernando Torres score? Of course he does. Does Lyon win, is the big question? I think this match will be one of the most interesting to watch, and it will come down to the death. In fact, Lyon will be up 2-1 before a late flurry of goals from Dirk Kuyt and LUCAS OF ALL PEOPLE put them ahead for good. 3-2 Liverpool in the match of the fucking year.

Barcelona freeze their nuts off at Rubin Kazan

Blaugrana better score early or they won't win, and they need to. Expect great things from Leo Messi and Ibracadabra, but I think the star of the show will be Iniesta. He picked them apart last time around and the only thing lacking is his finishing. Not this time though: a goal from Iniesta will hold them over in a bitterly cold match. 1-0 Barcelona.

Inter freeze too at Kiev

Nerazzurri are made of stronger stuff than Barca and romp to a 2-1 win. Stankovic gets his shit together and scores, and so does Eto'o. Milito, if he plays, will get one assist. 2-1 Inter.

Unirea host Rangers

What an embarassment Rangers have been recently. Tonight will be no exception, as they somehow manage to completely fuck up an easy match. 1-0 Rangers at halftime, 3-1 Unirea at the death. Bye bye Rangers, and sorry about Beasley and Edu.

Sevilla host Stuttgart

Welcome to Barcelona Junior, the team that seems to have it all. Marauding wingbacks? Check. Solid midfield core supported by very competent wingers? Check. Target men who score goals like it's their job? Check. If you thought this match sucked in Germany, wait til you see Jesus Navas come alive at home. 4-0 Sevilla, Navas gets a brace.

Arsenal at home facing Alkmaar

Koeman had their number before, but a little bit of faith in the young gunners goes a long way right Arsene? Van Persie gets on the scoresheet first, off of a cross where he slides in and pokes it home a la' Drogba. Then Fabregas, and to top things off, we haven't heard from Vermaelen for a while have we? 3-0 Arsenal, and yet somehow Wenger will still moan about the ref.

Olympiakos travel to Standard Liege

The Greeks have all but qualified. Standard can produce some magic, especially at home, but they are defensively frail. This one should be pretty boring, but it's my upset pick: 2-1 Standard.

The Big Matchday 4

This one could decide it all prematurely. Who goes through? Who sucks cock? And who the fuck does Xavi's hair? I mean it's always so goddamn conditioned, I'm so jealous.

My picks for this week's Matchday 4:

Tuesday

Bayern at home vs. Bordeaux

This one could turn out to be a boring fucking match, as the two teams don't need a win and would settle for a draw. Bayern needs the points more, but do they have the talent to make it happen? Even at home, Bayern are perennial underachievers and I call this one an extremely boring 2-2 draw. Hopefully we'll see some magic from Gourcuff.

Juventus visits Maccabi Haifa

Juventus, if there was ever a time to turn on the fucking jets it is RIGHT NOW. If Juventus don't win this game then they are in serious trouble because the other two big boys will smell blood. I'm rooting for them, but more importantly I think they've got the quality and the will to win, despite the fuckup this weekend. 3-0 Juventus, with a goal from Amauri to start things off.

Manchester United hosts CSKA Moscow

This match I tip CSKA to score an early surprise goal, but quality and home-field advantage will win out. 2-1 Manchester United, and don't be surprised if they get some favorable calls from the official to help it along.

Wolfsburg travel to Besiktas

Grafite is ruled out due to suspension but Dzeko is up for the challenge. Obafemi Martins could make a useless appearance. Both teams need points desperately, and I think we could see an extremely violent match. I'm calling another ejection and a goalfest of 4-2 with Wolfsburg coming out on top.

AC Milan host Real Madrid

Home field advantage doesn't really mean much to the Italians, but pressure does. The fact of the matter is that if Madrid don't win this match they might bounce out of the group stage completely. On the other hand, is Milan really that good? At dealing with pressure yes, at playing no. If Nesta plays the entire match then I predict a 1-0 Milan victory. If he comes off injured then Madrid will pip it 2-0, both in the second half. Oh, and if Ronaldo plays then Madrid win 3-1. There, I'm ready for any contingency.

Marseille travel to Zurich

OM need a win to keep their hopes alive, and although they managed to squeak a win over Zurich earlier, they haven't really done enough to show their quality. Would it be too much to predict another Heinze goal? Probably, so I won't. I will, however, expect Zurich to make things interesting for Marseille, right up until the 70th minute or so. Then OM scores two quick ones to dispatch the Swiss with aplomb. 2-0 Marseille.

APOEL welcome Porto

Porto has been playing quite well recently, but if they want any hope of advancing they need to win this game. Ironically enough, I don't think they will. A 1-1 draw is on the cards, and APOEL hang tight at home. My money's on Hulk for the Portuguese.

Atletico Madrid invite Chelsea over for an anal excavation project

Actually, it won't be quite that bad. Ancelotti has this weekend's fixture to look forward to, so after he puts away his penalty, Frank Lampard will be substituted. Drogba will also be taken out early if he plays at all. Oh, and I think Simao will toss a free kick to Ujfalusi for a nicely headed goal that Cech misjudges. 3-1 Chelsea, a comfortable win but the clean sheets must end sometime.

Interesting Weekend

Some notable things occurred this weekend, most of them involving me being wrong with a couple of picks. Liverpool and Wigan come to mind...

I was close but not quite right with the Arsenal match. Tottenham once again didn't have the mental strength to compete with Arsenal, and let them dictate the flow of the game. They had about 30 good minutes and then packed their bags and allowed Arsenal to steamroll them. Again. Actual score was 3-0, and nice work by Sagna and RVP for the link-up play.

Interesting match with the Chelsea pick. The game was rather physical, but I could not have predicted quite how poorly Cahill would play. One thing I nailed was the ejection- straight red for bringing down Drogba when he was clear on goal. He played it up but it was absolutely a foul. Chelsea obliterated Bolton and their defense held tight. Nice to see Deco back in the side.

Burnley beat Hull comprehensively and again, the ejection changed the match. The result was never in doubt, but Burnley had that confidence immediately. Sorry Hull, you guys are fucked this year. How about focusing on rebuilding so you can win the Championship?

Everton ended up with that 1-1 draw that I predicted. Nice work from them, and I'm sure that David Moyes is eagerly awaiting the return of some of his key players (Arteta, anyone?) so he won't get fired. 3 weeks Davey, make it rain out there. Aston Villa have to improve. They have the high powered offense to make this work, but Gareth Barry's presence is being seriously felt. They need a replacement who can make it happen in the Premier League. Splash some cash and pick one up Martin, it will be the best decision you can make.

Manchester United have developed this new mindset where they win games by putting forth as little effort as possible. Quite frankly it's a mystery to me how they do it. Anyone, the offense was once again weaksauce, and although Berbatov had a goal-of-the-week moment, both the goals came late. Like, really late. WORRYINGLY late. SAF, you need a striker immediately. A suitable replacement has not been found and that needs to be your top priority. Both of your last goalmachine players now ply their trade at the Bernabeau, so get a new one. There's plenty out there, but you'll win NOTHING this season if you don't act immediately.

In the past couple years, Fulham have pulled off upsets out of nowhere sometimes, and I think they smelled blood. Liverpool is extremely vulnerable right now and they really couldn't do anything to help themselves. I saw something on FOX Soccer Channel that was interesting, though: one of the dudes pointed out the expressions on the faces of the players who were substituted. Torres, Benayoun, and Kuyt all walked off that pitch with disdain, disappointment, and confusion spray painted on their countenances. "Why am I coming off? I can help you win this game." Rafa, saving players for the Champions League is great, but if you don't qualify for next year's CL then it's pretty pointless isn't it? Unfortunately, the financial state of the club means they can't afford to fire this dumb fuck. Too bad, Rijkaard is available soon I think.

2 red cards also highlight the defensive inabilities that plague Liverpool. There's a reason why I don't have a Liverpool defender on my fantasy team. I did nail the "Torres only gets one" though.

Nice work Wolves, great comeback against Stoke. I was pretty impressed by this game, because I thought I had it perfectly figured out. To be fair, Stoke should have won this match. The first Wolves goal was CLEARLY offside. Otherwise, great match from both sides, although Wolves will want to get their shit together defensively. Stoke is not exactly prolific when it comes to scoring, but they got their goals in quick, and could have had another if Faye was aiming his header (totally unmarked).

Portsmouth... wow. Wigan hasn't exactly been in a slump after beating Chelsea, with Rodallega in particular getting on the scoresheet. He's playing well, but man what the fuck happened? I still think Portsmouth will be relegated if they don't get a huge cash injection before the winter window, but they have been playing good footy and made a point this week. Flowing football for the win is always a good thing. Probably won't save them from the drop though. I was fucking WRONG on this one.

Sunderland, what's happened to you? See, this is what I was talking about earlier with Darren Bent. When the goals dry up, what will happen? Well, he's either going to score next week or I'm getting rid of him on my fantasy team. I'll tell you this much though, West Ham are fighters. They are in the relegation zone and Zola is putting a great mental edge on these guys, because they simply do not quit. The draw against Arsenal was evidence of that and here's another example. Sunderland have got to get their shit together, and now. If Bent doesn't score, who will pick up the pieces? I'll tell you who didn't: Kenwyne Jones. Nice going, moron.

We'll see which teams recover and which teams suck balls next week. I can already tell you that I don't like Manchester United's chances at the Bridge.