The Big Matchday 4

This one could decide it all prematurely. Who goes through? Who sucks cock? And who the fuck does Xavi's hair? I mean it's always so goddamn conditioned, I'm so jealous.

My picks for this week's Matchday 4:

Tuesday

Bayern at home vs. Bordeaux

This one could turn out to be a boring fucking match, as the two teams don't need a win and would settle for a draw. Bayern needs the points more, but do they have the talent to make it happen? Even at home, Bayern are perennial underachievers and I call this one an extremely boring 2-2 draw. Hopefully we'll see some magic from Gourcuff.

Juventus visits Maccabi Haifa

Juventus, if there was ever a time to turn on the fucking jets it is RIGHT NOW. If Juventus don't win this game then they are in serious trouble because the other two big boys will smell blood. I'm rooting for them, but more importantly I think they've got the quality and the will to win, despite the fuckup this weekend. 3-0 Juventus, with a goal from Amauri to start things off.

Manchester United hosts CSKA Moscow

This match I tip CSKA to score an early surprise goal, but quality and home-field advantage will win out. 2-1 Manchester United, and don't be surprised if they get some favorable calls from the official to help it along.

Wolfsburg travel to Besiktas

Grafite is ruled out due to suspension but Dzeko is up for the challenge. Obafemi Martins could make a useless appearance. Both teams need points desperately, and I think we could see an extremely violent match. I'm calling another ejection and a goalfest of 4-2 with Wolfsburg coming out on top.

AC Milan host Real Madrid

Home field advantage doesn't really mean much to the Italians, but pressure does. The fact of the matter is that if Madrid don't win this match they might bounce out of the group stage completely. On the other hand, is Milan really that good? At dealing with pressure yes, at playing no. If Nesta plays the entire match then I predict a 1-0 Milan victory. If he comes off injured then Madrid will pip it 2-0, both in the second half. Oh, and if Ronaldo plays then Madrid win 3-1. There, I'm ready for any contingency.

Marseille travel to Zurich

OM need a win to keep their hopes alive, and although they managed to squeak a win over Zurich earlier, they haven't really done enough to show their quality. Would it be too much to predict another Heinze goal? Probably, so I won't. I will, however, expect Zurich to make things interesting for Marseille, right up until the 70th minute or so. Then OM scores two quick ones to dispatch the Swiss with aplomb. 2-0 Marseille.

APOEL welcome Porto

Porto has been playing quite well recently, but if they want any hope of advancing they need to win this game. Ironically enough, I don't think they will. A 1-1 draw is on the cards, and APOEL hang tight at home. My money's on Hulk for the Portuguese.

Atletico Madrid invite Chelsea over for an anal excavation project

Actually, it won't be quite that bad. Ancelotti has this weekend's fixture to look forward to, so after he puts away his penalty, Frank Lampard will be substituted. Drogba will also be taken out early if he plays at all. Oh, and I think Simao will toss a free kick to Ujfalusi for a nicely headed goal that Cech misjudges. 3-1 Chelsea, a comfortable win but the clean sheets must end sometime.