Luca Toni

Is it really any wonder that Bayern don't want Luca Toni? This is a guy who has about 15 goals in over 50 appearances for Italy. He had one good season with Bayern and thinks he can stay there for the rest of his life, demanding playing time when there are far superior players in front of him. Chief among these players are Mario Gomez and Ivica Olic, who vastly outclass the giant Italian.

Anyone who has seen Luca Toni play know that he is a poacher and a big target man, and that is literally it. No linkup play, no shooting boots, no crossing ability, and absolutely no speed or agility. And now that he's losing his poaching ability, there is no doubt that nobody would want him for anything. Or would they? Apparently West Ham and Tottenham are both in the market for him. My question is: why? Why bring an aging piece of shit to the Premier League? Players in the Premier League, with the exception of Ryan Giggs, do not age well. Toni should return to Italy, where a team like Parma or Livorno could actually benefit from his services. Better yet, he should come to MLS where his movie-star looks could net him a sponsorship deal while people ignore his actual non-achievments on the pitch. The best thing for everyone? Retirement. Get this fucker off the world stage. Lippi shouldn't even consider him while Amauri is a possibility, Iaquinta is available, and Gilardino makes his case. Fuck Luca Toni, that noob is awful.

B is for Birmingham and Burnley

Dear Santa,

Me and my Birmingham boys are playing pretty well at the moment, but we do need a couple of things to help us out. Like any small team, we are definitely a shallow squad. Without our key players, the team tends to collapse and leaves us wanting. Still, we are exceeding expectations right now and our form is pretty damn impressive. We're up there with Liverpool, for crying out loud. Anyway Santa, what we want is difficult: more of the same. We want our sparkling form to continue and that includes offense as well. We aren't scoring loads of goals, but we are keeping clean sheets like it's our job. I guess besides more of the same, we need a clinical striker. Someone who just plain puts goals in the net, but is within our price range. We may have to splash the cash, but I think I have the answer: John Carew is out of favor at Aston Villa and the rumor is that they're trying to get rid of him. I'd love it if we could snap him up for a cool 5 million. Your move, Santa.

Love,

Alex McLeish

Dear Santa,

We at Burnley are also doing much better than expected. Our form at home has seen us take some massive scalps. However, we have yet to win a game away from home. So that's what we want: an away win for the new year, and consistency on through. If you can give us that, we won't be relegated. We can then buy someone with the additional funds we plan to have, but Santa, I promise, we won't go into debt doing it. See? I'm a good little boy.

Love,

Owen Coyle

A is for Arsenal

Dear Santa:

Mommy and Daddy keep telling me they'll give me the money to buy any toys I want, but I like them better when I can make my own from scratch. It's more satisfying to play with them that way, and they're much cheaper. The only problem is, sometimes I can't make ANY toy I want because I've got to use the materials available to me.

There comes a time when a bright new toy is required to complete my collection, and allow my whole toy chest to function as a cohesive unit. The current bunch I have look great and work together nicely, but when one gets broken I don't have a good replacement. With that in mind, I need two solid toys this Christmas: a holding midfielder and versatile replacement player, and a lovely new goalscoring machine/striker. Both should be tall, strong, and preferably French.

For the striker I want Mario Balotelli. There isn't really anyone better at the moment, and since he's young I can mold him into the type of player that I want. Unfortunately, he's Cup-tied and a bit temperamental. Hopefully I can stamp that out of him. Other options include Carlton Cole and Andre-Pierre Gignac.

For a holding, versatile midfielder I'd love Yaya Toure. He's a monster and he can play anywhere; he's very Patrick Vieira-esque. If I can't get Yaya Toure, then I'd love to get my hands on either Alou Diarra or Moussa Sissokho, both from Ligue 1. They break up play fantastically, and are also versatile and strong. Please Santa, my toys won't be able to handle another season with no silverware!

I've been a good boy. I've balanced the books, I've acted with integrity, and I play sexy football. So what if I whine a little bit now and again? I think I've proved that I deserve a trophy, but I can't win one if you don't bring me something fun to play with!

Love,

Arsene Wenger

P.S. Please please PLEASE don't let Fabregas go to Barcelona! He's my bestest player.

Beaten to the Punch

Goal.com ganked my idea, but I'm going to do it anyway: as part of getting in the holiday spirit, I'm going down each club's wishlist. If they're good, Santa may bring them a nice shiny new striker or holding midfielder. If they're bad, Santa may bring them two American investors who have no idea how to do anything except lie about building a new stadium.

Coming soon.

Robin van Persie's New Friend?

If reports are to be believed, Arsenal are on the lookout for a new striker come January. I'll be updating this, and possibly another article, tomorrow with more information/opiniu-tainment. So if you're reading this and thinking "my God I simply cannot wait for Evan's brilliant views on football," don't worry about getting blue balls. It's coming soon. In the meantime, put an ice pack on your crotch.

What Did I Tell You?

Quick post: I may have mentioned that Didier Drogba is unstoppable. As of today there should be no doubt in anyone's mind that he is the world's best striker, and that is pretty impressive at 31 years old. Pace, strength, positioning, link-up play, shooting, crossing, vision, set pieces, and heading. He's got it all. His double against Everton was fantastic especially when you consider that both of his goals were one touch shots. One was on the spin with his left foot, the other was a volley to the near post off a cross. If he stays healthy he could easily win the Ballon D'or, especially if he doesn't dive (his only weakness). Then again, all the best players do, don't they? Just ask Ronaldo from last weekend, or Rooney from today.

Meaningful Weekend After Meaningless Midweek

So all the meaningless Champions League matches have come and gone, and now it's back to business for the big boys in the Premier League. Interestingly, the two littlest big boys are about to slug it out for the title of biggest underachiever this season. My guess is that Arsenal loses by one, Wenger makes excuses, and they blow out the next team they play by 4 goals. But let's take a closer look:

Stoke City vs. Wigan

You never know which Wigan is going to show up, the one that beat Chelsea or the one that got anally invaded by Tottenham. Against Stoke at home, I'll guess a little bit of both. I've been banking on Stoke to pull out some tremendously unlikely results with the grind, and Tony Pulis does that shit better than anyone. I think I could easily be wrong here, but what the hell: Stoke City 1-0 Wigan Athletic.

Chelsea vs. Everton

Oh dear lord, what have we here? The two most and least in-form Blues we've seen in a VERY long time. So let's take a gander: Everton is injury hit in the worst possible way, while Chelsea lost Michael Essien for about a month. Don't underestimate his ability to be the engine room of a club, although in this case I think it won't matter. Poor Everton, they really aren't as bad as recent scorelines suggest. Chelsea 3-1 Everton.

Sunderland vs. Portsmouth

Darren Bent better get his shit together. We could also see Kenwyne Jones make an appearance after a long layoff. I've got Bent on the double and Portsmouth on the precipice of the Championship. Ouch. Sunderland 3-0 Portsmouth.

Tottenham vs. Wolverhampton

Tottenham are extremely in form right now, but there's something about Wolverhampton that's scrappy. At the very least, they'll make it interesting for them- for about 20 minutes. Then it's all Spurs, all the time. Tottenham 2-1 Wolves.

Bolton vs. Manchester City

Haven't seen anything spectacular from Bolton lately, but the same goes for City. I guess I'll take the Citizens in a boring match, although Robinho nabs a brace and will then reaffirm his committment to the club while trying to get Barcelona to sign him. Manchester City 2-1 Bolton.

Birmingham vs. West Ham

Birmingham's defense has been surprisingly strong this season, and West Ham have been surprisingly toothless. Hmm, I just can't help thinking that Gianfranco Zola has a trick or two up his sleeve. West Ham 1-0 Birmingham.

Hull City vs. Blackburn

This is my upset pick of the week. I've got Sam Allardyce's boys traveling to take on the shittiest team in the Premier League and they are going to make a hash of it. Somehow, Blackburn are almost as schizophrenic as Manchester City. They're favored to win, but when has Lady Luck ever ignored a footy match? Hull City 1-0 Blackburn.

Burnley vs. Fulham

The Cottagers travel to Burnley to take on one of the best home teams in the league. Roy Hodgson has got Fulham rolling though, and they're not slouches themselves in the away results category. Add in their solid defense, and I see an exciting, back and forth match in this one. Burnley 1-1 Fulham.

Manchester United vs. Aston Villa

The makeshift backline experiment continues, but this time things will be different. Aston Villa are a blazingly fast team, and they are really fucking good on the wings with Milner and Young. I think Jack Collins is returning to first team action finally, and although Patrice Evra is very very good, I don't think Michael Carrick will have what it takes to shut down Carew and Agbonlahor. Another upset from the giant-killers themselves. Aston Villa 2-1 Manchester United.

AND FINALLY, SUNDAY'S BIG BIG MATCHUP:

Liverpool vs. Arsenal

Arsenal are like Portugal- fluent footy, but easily bullied around by bigger teams. Liverpool aren't enormous, but I don't see Arsenal making a dent in Skrtl, Carragher, or Agger anytime soon. If Walcott returns, he'll have to get by Insua or Johnson, while Mascherano may make Fabregas' life miserable. If it sounds like I'm jonesing for a Liverpool win, it's because I am. Rumor has it that Fernando Torres and Steven Gerrard will be on the pitch together. Vermaelen thought it was hard marking Drogba? Try marking someone even faster, with his entire club trying to get the ball to him. Thrilling match, but in the end it's Liverpool doing the damage through its two big guns. Liverpool 3-2 Arsenal.

There you go, my picks for this week. I have a bad feeling that it's not going to swing my way so much this particular weekend, but that's ok. I'm still going to watch as much as I can.

Goal.com

Look, I check Goal.com every day for footballing news and updates. But some of the guys writing for this website are fucking idiots. The latest is Zac Lee Rigg, who bemoans Juventus' Champions League collapse but urges the management to stay with Ferrera. Ferrera should have been sacked 3 weeks ago, and now Rigg is expounding the virtues of Christian Poulson. Is he serious? Read this article:

http://www.goal.com/en-us/news/86/italy/2009/12/11/1681374/phalanx-prophecy-midweek-melee

Does he even watch Juventus play? There's a crisis going on that Ferrera isn't fixing, and it's the same crisis that plagues Real Madrid and Bayern Munich: no definitive footballing philosophy. Remember the golden age when Juventus featured lethal strikers and a rock-solid defense? Those days are no more, with all the strikers over the age of 29 and injury-prone, as well as only one truly world-class centre back. That centre-back isn't Cannavaro, it's Chiellini. Cmon Zac.

Big Hit

Apparently my Torres vs. Drogba article was well recieved, so in the future I'll be doing player matchup analyses. Just a heads up on that. Also, the Europa League is coming up next week, and I don't really care. Nice.

Picks for the Draw

Totally irrelevant, and completely random, but here's my picks for the Champions League knockout round draw. Keep in mind the following rules: no team can play another team from the same national federation. No team can play a team that was in its group. No 1st place team can play another 1st place team, and no 2nd place team can play another 2nd place team. With that in mind, here we go:

Bordeaux draws FC Porto.

It's an interesting phenomenon that weaker teams seem to get drawn together in the early knockout rounds. Not quite sure how that happens so frequently, but it does. Probably to allow for easier matchups later on. My money's on Bordeaux for this one, Gourcuff providing the magic and Chamakh providing the finish.

Manchester United draws Lyon.

This could be the tightest match in the entire knockout round, and I give the edge to ManU at home, but Lyon away- and Lyon makes it through on away goals.

Real Madrid draws Stuttgart.

Somehow they find a way to let Madrid through to the next round easily, even though they won't make it easy on themselves. Who are we kidding, I bet it goes 6-1 aggregate.

Chelsea draws Inter Milan.

There had to be one marquee matchup, and this is it. Mourinho's past comes back to haunt him as Didier Drogba shows exactly what Inter don't have anymore- that creative, behemoth-sized goalscoring machine with the silky touch. Mourinho won't be fired and he'll still win the league, but expect him to start sending out his resume.

Fiorentina draws CSKA Moscow

The Italians will have no trouble at home, but playing in Russia in the winter is a shitshow. Hopefully they'll make it through, and I don't really see why they wouldn't.

Barcelona draws Olimpiacos

Barcelona gets held to only 1-0 win in Greece, and all hell breaks loose at the Nou camp in a 5-0 destructo-derby fueled by Messi and Iniesta. Ouch, but they deserve it after a tough group stage.

Sevilla draws AC Milan

Defensive solidarity meets offensive firepower. Billed as a tight match, this one will go Milan's way in a hurry if Nesta stays fit. They know how to get it done on the big stage, while newcomers tend to choke under the pressure. Expect a tight, low-scoring affair.

Arsenal draws Bayern Munich.

It's size vs. skill in one of the most mouth-watering matchups you could ever hope for. The wonder wingers on each side will be doing their best, but it'll be the big men- or man, up front that makes the difference. That man is Ivica Olic. Watch Arsenal go down early, and Wenger's job is in serious jeopardy.

The Next Wunderkid

Because all eyes are on La Liga and the EPL, people tend to miss the goings-on of Serie A. That's fine, because those goings-on are usually slow-paced, boring, and over 35 years old. However, it's important not to forget that the Italian National Team is and always has been one of the greatest in the world, and there's a reason for that: the youth. Good young players turn into great old players. The current crop of Italian youngsters, as I've said before, is one of the best, and there's no doubt that they'll take Italy far in the NEXT World Cup (not this one, where they'll suck a big dick).

I'd like to turn your attention to the emergence of the next great Italian striker. Vincenzo Iaquinta, Luca Toni, and soon-to-be-Italian Amauri are all big, strong, clinical, and able to play up front on their own. They're all aging quickly, unfortunately. The young man I'd like to introduce you to is 19 years old. He plays and scores regularly at his club, where his set piece delivery, shooting, finishing, link-up play, flair, technical ability, and one on one skills are already far beyond his years. He's big, he's strong, he's Italian, he's... black? That's right, it can only be MARIO BALOTELLI.

"Super Mario," as he is affectionately known, only has one problem: his petulance. I think he's been watching too much Cristiano Ronaldo and not enough Raul Gonzalez. Here's the deal- Balotelli has the potential to be one of the world's best, if not THE best striker in the world, but only if he gets away from Jose Mourinho. Mourinho, bless his arrogant and tactically brilliant Portuguese heart, is absolutely horrible at developing young players. Look at Lassana Diarra, who couldn't get playing time at Arsenal or Chelsea. He is now one of the best holding midfielders in the world and currently plies his trade at Real Madrid. I would say that Arsene Wenger could easily turn Balotelli into a superstar, but he definitely doesn't have the team mentality required.

Ironically enough, there is a place in England where he should go. A place that badly needs a top quality striker. A team that is absolutely world class, but needs a youth injection as soon as possible. A team that needs cover for the upcoming African Cup of Nations, as well as another striker to fit in up top. A team that is big, strong, and has a fantastic manager who can nurture youth as well as experience, and has coached young Italian players before.

I'm not talking about David Moyes and Everton. I'm talking about those other Blues... Chelsea. Once Drogba and Kalou and Essien and Mikel leave for a month, who the fuck is going to cover/partner Nicolas Anelka? With di Santo out on loan (and not impressing at all), it looks like they're going to need an established starlet to produce up top. Who better than Super Mario? To cap things off, he has fantastic ball skills and loves to express himself on the pitch. Ancelotti can handle him, he'll flourish in a physical league, and he even has the world's best target man, Didier Drogba, to look up to. If he stays at Inter, he'll stagnate. Let the kid show his stuff somewhere he'll be appreciated. Abramovich, open your wallet.

Quick Picks

Don't have much time because I'm late for class, but here are my picks. And by the way, fuck me with the Juve pick. They need to fire their coach; losing at home 4-1 when qualification is at stake is UNACCEPTABLE, especially when you beat Inter 4 days earlier.

Inter vs. Rubin Kazan

Inter needs to qualify and they aren't pussies. Kazan is good, but something tells me that Mourinho's job will be safe. Inter 2-0 Kazan.

Dinamo Kiev vs. Barcelona

It's tough playing in Ukraine in the winter, but Barcelona NEED to win in order to ensure qualification. That said, Dinamo won't make it easy for them. Barcelona 2-1 Dinamo.

Stuttgart vs. Unirea

Stuttgart needs a win or they drop to the Europa League. They're playing at home, and they just changed managers, so this one is a crapshoot. I think they'll play their hearts out but to no avail. Stuttgart 1-1 Unirea.

The Final Matchday

Some BIG games coming up in tight groups that could decide who qualifies. Let's take a closer look:

Juventus vs. Bayern Munich

Bayern's most effective offensive weapon, Franck Ribery, is unavailable. This would be a big deal, except Juventus' two most potent defensive players, Buffon and Chiellini, are also unavailable. What does this mean? It means that Arjen Robben is the man to watch and the man to shut down. This one is going to be a low-scoring affair, extremely defensive on the Italian's side. If they put Del Piero up top with Amauri though, goals will flow and a draw would suit them nicely. Juventus 1-1 Bayern.

Besiktas vs. CSKA Moscow

The Russians need to win, and they need to win HANDILY. The interesting thing is that I don't think they will. It's not easy playing in Turkey, and they aren't really that good. On the other hand, it could get nasty quickly and CSKA could end up on top. CSKA 1-0 Besiktas, with at least one ejection.

Wolfsburg vs. Manchester United

A makeshift United backline takes on the formidable Wolfsburg attack in an interesting contest that means nothing for ManU and everything for the Germans. I expect a close game, but credit goes to the Wolfies for slamming in some set pieces. Wolfsburg 2-1 Manchester United, Dzeko scores off a header.

F.C. Zurich vs. AC Milan

Milan can't take anything for granted in this matchup, although qualification is all but assured. I expect a thumping win, believe it or not, just from the form they've been on recently. No Ronaldinho? No problem. Milan 2-0 Zurich, Pato back in form.

Marseille vs. Real Madrid

Deschamps' side needs a fucking miracle, but in a cruel twist of fate they will come oh so close. Marseille 2-1 Real Madrid.

The rest of the matches don't matter and I don't really care about them. Tune in tomorrow for updates.

Upcoming

There are only a few Champions League matches that matter, and even fewer between clubs that we want to see playing. All I can say is, without Giorgio Chiellini, Juventus might be fucked against Bayern. And it would take an extraordinary string of results to see Real Madrid fail to qualify- but that's exactly what I'm hoping for. Of course, I'd also love to see Wolfsburg go through and shock someone in the knockout round. My picks will be forthcoming soon.

What Makes a League Exciting?

Have you ever heard those announcers who keep saying shit like "the Premier League is the best league in the world!"

How about the ones who insist that "the world's brightest stars entertain us in La Liga."

With the cash infusion that the Prem has been recieving lately, the downfall of Italian football, and the influx of talent to Spain, it's easy to get caught up in the debate between sides adamant that their league is the world's best. Guess what? They're all wrong. Those leagues are NOT the world's best, and I'll tell you why.

A league can have the best teams in the world in it, winning the Champions League time after time, and still not be considered the best. So what is it that makes a league the best? COMPETITIVENESS. If, on any given day, any team can beat any other team, then that's a good fucking league. You never know what's going to happen, you never know who's going to win, and you never know what the final positions are going to be. There is no "Big Two," "Big Three," or "Big Four" as there is with Spanish, Italian, and English football, respectively. Which leads me to the world's most exciting league...

It's interesting to note that the world's most exciting league, and the league that I would say is not far behind in competetiveness, both reside in nations that have ALWAYS had strong domestic programs and therefore strong national teams and identities. These nations are (drumroll please) GERMANY followed by FRANCE.

Back in the day, Bayern Munich used to win it all, followed by Werder Bremen, and then some combination of Schalke, Hamburg, Leverkusen, and Stuttgart. No longer. Bayern has since fallen from grace. Stuttgart sits in the relegation zone, while Bremen without Diego are a midtable side that happen to be doing well. Hoffenheim, a newly promoted club, were in the lead for a large part of the season and only dropped out when one of their star strikers suffered a serious injury. On any given day, even the promoted sides can give the top teams a run for their money. Now that is fucking exciting. When was the last time we saw that? Is Xerez going to trouble Barcelona? Does anyone really think that Wolverhampton is going to lose by fewer than 3 goals to Chelsea? How about Livorno? Not doing so well against Inter Milan.

The other upside to this is that we could see a huge amount of turnover in the Champions League entrants. That's awesome, because then the little clubs could get a piece of that money-tastic pie and do even better for themselves. The problem is that in order to get there, they have to first prove themselves without that additional money. That's why it's so impressive when a team like Wolfsburg comes in and makes it to the knockout round (fingers crossed).

The bottom line is that money is going to drive successful clubs forward, and that's a shame. If that wasn't the case, we could see a lot more competition for the league title in a lot of different countries. Manchester United, for example, have loads of supporters who pay to see their top players play, and therefore ManU can afford to buy said players.

I fully support the Bundesliga's competitiveness and I love the way anyone can beat anyone. The turnover in top teams that make it into the Champions League is also a plus for me, but here's the rub: it's cruelly ironic that the "weaker" teams that win their league have to play against the traditional European superpowers and likely lose, thus making people think that the Bundesliga is a lesser domestic league than the EPL or La Liga. The same goes for Ligue 1. Here's to either Wolfsburg, Lyon, Bordeaux, or Bayern making it through to at least the quarterfinals. Is it a coincidence that we're also predicting Germany and France hitting at least the quarterfinals in the World Cup next summer? I don't think so.

Chelsea's Mentality

Carlo Ancelotti is a great coach, let's make sure there's no doubt about that. But something is missing in his mental preparation of his teams, and that has been happening for years. It happened with Milan and it happened with Chelsea today. Here's the problem:

Ancelotti's teams are amped up to play against rivals for the title, and they are supremely confident when it comes to the whipping boys of their domestic leagues. But when it comes to the upstarts, the teams that traditionally finish between 4th and 7th, they don't know what to do. They're too confident to take them seriously, and not pumped up enough to consider it a rivalry. It happened with Manchester City and it happened with Aston Villa. If Everton finds their form (one day soon I hope) then it will probably happen with them too. Ancelotti, get your boys under control!

World Cup Picks

So here is my prediction of the brackets, how they will turn out to the final:

Group A Winner: Mexico vs. Group B Runner-up: Nigeria

Winner: Nigeria, 1-0

Group A Runner-up: France vs. Group B Winner: Argentina

Winner: France, 2-1

Group C Winner: England vs. Group D Runner-up: Germany

Winner: England, 1-0

Group C Runner-up: USA vs. Group D Winner: Serbia

Winner: USA, 2-0

Group E Winner: Netherlands vs. Group F Runner-up: Italy

Winner: Netherlands, 3-1

Group E Runner-up: Cameroon vs. Group F Winner: Slovakia

Winner: Cameroon, 2-1

Group G Winner: Brazil vs. Group H Runner-up: Honduras

Winner: Brazil, 4-0

Group G Runner-up: Ivory Coast vs. Group H Winner: Spain

Winner: Ivory Coast, 2-1

QUARTERFINALS

England vs. Nigeria Winner: England, 2-0

Brazil vs. Netherlands Winner: Brazil, 2-1

France vs. USA Winner: France, 1-0

Cameroon vs. Ivory Coast Winner: Ivory Coast, 2-0

SEMIFINALS

England vs. Brazil Winner: Brazil, 2-1

France vs. Ivory Coast Winner: Ivory Coast, 1-0

FINAL

Brazil vs. Ivory Coast Winner: Brazil, 2-0

3rd PLACE

England vs. France Winner: England 2-1

World Cup Groups

Granted, we don't know the upcoming injury statuses that will surely plague many nations. But we do know the draw right now, and we know how fucking annoying Charlize Theron is. Here are the groups:

Group A

South Africa

Mexico

Uruguay

France

Group B

Argentina

Nigeria

Korea Republic (I think this is South Korea)

Greece

Group C

England

USA

Algeria

Slovenia

Group D

Germany

Australia

Serbia

Ghana

Group E

Italy

Paraguay

New Zealand

Slovakia

Group G

Brazil

Korea DPR (I think this is North Korea)

Ivory Coast

Portugal

Group H

Spain

Switzerland

Honduras

Chile